Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
