I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
BRING THE BAGELS
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
