Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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