mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
