just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
