I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
