so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
