I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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