I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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