My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
