Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
