so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize