There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
