Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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