She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
