the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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