Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
