so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
