i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
