The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
