Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can feel your judgement through the phone
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
