have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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