but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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