OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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