I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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