my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize