I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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