Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
