That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
