Where is the hickey?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize