yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
