I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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