I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He told me they were just razor bumps!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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