I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Let's paint friendship bongs
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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