paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
