im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
