I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
