I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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