dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
