I got chris browned last night
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
