maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize