I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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