i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
