Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
