i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
