Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
