I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
