i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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