Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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