new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
