He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
