I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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