Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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