I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
