just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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