He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize