i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
